FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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