When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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