Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
