my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
