There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Dicks are not precious.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize