Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i've created a new STD.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
