The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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