My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
