I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i think we sleep fucked last night...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
