I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
