Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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