Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
