I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
In America we eat man semen.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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