I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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