Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
