My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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