you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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