Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
