I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
