I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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