I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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