she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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