Someone shit on the floor
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
