dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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