So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
