i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
