i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
