i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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