I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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