I think I died a long time ago.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
