Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
