I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
