She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
