Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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