I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
