just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize