Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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