if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
