So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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