All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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