I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
