Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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