my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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