last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
