Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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