Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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