Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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