i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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