just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
