And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
