I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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