wanna go halves on a baby?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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