Where did you get a picture of my penis
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
