I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
