In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
