Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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